


Let Me Hold Your Hand

by derekstilinski



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bottom Steve Rogers, Established Relationship, Frottage, Future Fic, Hand Jobs, Insecurity, M/M, Past Torture, Sexual Content, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-20 01:08:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1491115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/derekstilinski/pseuds/derekstilinski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Steve, don't."</p>
<p>"No, it's true. I couldn't save you sooner. And I've realized that I can't change it, so I accept it for what it is. And I try my absolute best to be better for you now. That's why when I see you like this, it's like a knife."</p>
<p>"And what? You expect me to like that a weapon was seared into my skin?" Bucky looks at him, jaw set.</p>
<p>Steve shakes his head softly.</p>
<p>(Now with a sequel of <a href="/works/1503437">Bucky taking Steve dancing</a>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Hold Your Hand

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for Steve and Bucky, and also my first fic for the Marvel universe. Terrified I didn't do them justice, but I tried my best. I didn't read this over again before posting it, so I'm sorry for any mistakes.

Steve swings his wrapped fists at the bag, chains scraping quietly to show their protest as it rocks from the force. He doesn't really think of anyone as he does it anymore. Bucky is okay and he's gotten past tearing these punching bags apart pretending they're Hydra scientists. He doesn't control himself well when he thinks about what they did to Bucky.

"It always surprises me to see you do that." a voice says as Steve gives another hardened punch at the bag.

He turns, smiling softly, "Bag would knock me over before, you remember."

Bucky chuckles, setting down a bag of what smells like Chinese takeout. Once he'd tried it, he's been hooked on the stuff, so Wednesday is Chinese for dinner day. Steve walks over to him and Bucky takes his hand, starts undoing the wrapping, "Bag was twice as heavy as you."

Steve chuckles, watching Bucky's hands, metal fingers being very, very careful, barely touching his skin. He doesn't bring it up though, just lets Bucky be delicate with him, "You would know."

He wraps his fingers around Bucky's and leans in, giving a kiss to his cheek. He knows things are different now, many people accept two men together, but he still doesn't kiss him on the mouth in public. Bucky's cheeks heat up a bit and Steve's happy to see it. They cut is hair a while back, so Steve drinks in the view.

"Steve," he grins a bit, rolling up the wrappings and tossing them to Steve's bag, "Isn't that usually my job? To be forward with you?"

"Not a job, Buck," he says, moving to zip up his bag, tossing it onto his shoulder, "Let's get home, okay? I'm starving."

Bucky smiles and picks up their food, following beside as they walk out. It's only a block from their apartment. Shield wanted to give Bucky his own apartment when he first started working for them, but Steve was the one to refuse when he realized it would be on the other side of the city. He wanted, and still wants, to have Bucky close. Always. So, the only logical reason was to have Bucky move in with him.

Bucky's fingers brush his and when Steve looks at him, he realizes it's deliberate, "Oh."

"Gonna let me hold your hand, Captain?" Bucky asks and Steve is nodding, holding out his slightly sweaty hand. Bucky doesn't mind, even interweaves their fingers.

\--

Once they're home Steve heads for the shower after dropping his bag, saying Bucky can start without him, that he'll be ten minutes. Bucky just nods and sets the bag on the table, leans to undo his boots.

Steve heads to the shower and leaves the door cracked to hear if he's needed. He strips and ambles into the shower, turning it on and letting the water run over him. Steve likes how they share body wash, likes to cuddle up to Bucky at night and breathe in with his nose pressed to Bucky's neck.

He's still bashful about being naked around him. And it doesn't help that Bucky  _loves_  it. He gets whistled at when he moves through the apartment to get to the bedroom.

Bucky cuts an egg roll in half, grinning, "I've never called another man cute before, but the way you do that little skip and wiggle when you see I'm watching you is great."

Steve blushes hard, tugging on sweats and a shirt before padding out to the table. He pulls his chair up next to Bucky and starts piling rice onto the plate that's been set out for him.

"...Does that mean you think I'm cute?" Steve asks when he goes over the words again in his head.

Bucky smiles slowly, cheeks full of food. Steve grabs his hand, metal slightly cold but warming under his fingertips, and leans up, dropping a kiss to Bucky's hairline, "Oh, I thought so."

He squeezes his fingers, even though he knows Bucky can hardly feel it. Those scientists tried to rewire nerves, splice them with machinery. Bucky has feeling in his index and ring fingers, and some in his thumb. The others have nothing. And then nothing until the round of his shoulder, but there are numb spots along where the metal was surged with his skin. Steve suspects the parts he can feel around there are painful.

Bucky stops smiling, swallowing the food in his mouth. His fingers twitch in Steve's but other than that, he's very still. Steve feels it but lets it go, moves into the kitchen to grab two water bottles from the fridge. When he sits back down, Bucky's staring at the wood of the table with unfocused eyes.

"Bucky," He says to let him know he's there, then reaches up and touches his cheek. He keeps his hand there even when Bucky flinches and reacts, fingers clamping around his wrist, "Shh. Just me. It's okay."

"I'm sorry." Bucky mumbles, immediately letting go of him, eyeing the red marks he's left on Steve's skin.

Steve just rubs at the back of his neck soothingly, "Eat, alright? And I found Disney movies we can watch on the Netflix."

Bucky looks up at him, one of those 'you're too good for me' looks, and Steve feels a pull in his chest, but smiles anyway. Bucky chuckles softly and ducks his head, delving back into his food, "The Netflix. Films exactly when you want them. What a time to be alive."

\--

Bucky abandons his food after a while and Steve grabs one of the takeout boxes as they settle in on the couch. He sits to Bucky's right to make him more comfortable, and they make a collective effort to find Netflix again. Bucky lays his arm over the back of the couch as the beginning of the original Alice in Wonderland shows onscreen. Steve sort of slumps into him as he stabs another shrimp with his fork and eats it.

Bucky smiles fondly, settling his hand on Steve's shoulder, "Do you ever stop eating?"

"The serum did this thing to my metabolism. I have to eat so much more than I used to," Steve says after he's chewed and swallowed, then grins, "You calling me fat?"

"No, you're handsome," Bucky tells him immediately, missing Steve's joking tone. Steve was always worrying over how he looked, and how he used to talk about himself made Bucky's heart clench painfully. He doesn't want Steve to worry one bit anymore, so he just lets the words slip out, "Don't ever think you're not. You always have been, and I'd never say anything to hurt you."

Steve has stopped eating, staring up at him, "Oh. Oh, Buck. I..." He takes a breath, looking over Bucky's face, "That's... I-- _Bucky_." He wraps his arms around Bucky's neck, tugging him into a hug.

Bucky huffs out a surprised laugh after a moment, hand on Steve's shoulder crushing him closer to his body. It's kind of an awkward angle and he's got a flap of the takeout box digging into the back of his neck, but he can tell Steve is smiling and it feels good to have his weight nice and solid against him.

"Hey, shh. Here. Come on." He squeezes his shoulder then lets go, shifting and laying back against the couch. He pulls one leg up and Steve scoots closer, bracing his back against it. And he smiles when Steve lifts his own legs up, draping them over Bucky's other thigh. Steve smiles and goes back to eating and he looks so  _cute_.

They don't move for a while, content in each other and the movie, Steve rubbing back and forth softly at the skin of his abdomen, his fingers having sneaked under his shirt. When the animated film is over, Bucky points out there's another movie with the exact same name a few titles over, and they begin to watch that one, too.

They stare open-mouthed when their live action Alice drops down the rabbit hole, and Bucky thinks he must have fallen asleep on the couch because that sputtering, shaking rabbit pouring tea looks amazingly real, and how did they get Alice so small? Steve has this really amazed look on his face, and mutters an 'oh my god,  _her head_ ' when he first sees the Red Queen.

\--

The movie is ending and he looks over at Bucky, seeing him dozing. He circles over his belly button, which he knows tickles, "Hey, I think it's time for bed."

"Mhmm," Bucky mumbles and twitches away from Steve's fingers, then he's grabbing Steve's arm and pulling him down on top of him, "Night."

Steve chuckles softly, and pulls at the collar of Bucky's shirt, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat, "Not on the sofa."

Bucky grunts, pulling his leg up and wrapping it around Steve's back, "Yes, sofa."

"Come on, Barnes. I was hoping you'd do something for me."

Bucky's eyes fly open, "What?"

"Does your mind always go to  _that_  place? ...No, wait. Nevermind, of course it does, you're you," Steve rolls his eyes fondly and wriggles himself from Bucky, getting up, "Come on."

Bucky pulls himself up and drags his feet all the way to bed. Steve stops him before he lays down. He runs his fingers over Bucky's chest, pulling at the fabric of his shirt softly, "Will you take this off?"

"Oh, Captain. Are you asking me to disrobe in front of you?" Bucky grins at him with sleepy eyes.

Steve starts pushing it up himself, "Don't snark when you're tired. I am asking. Will you, for me?"

Bucky gets a more soft, genuine happy smile and nods, stepping back to pull his right arm out first, over his head, then hesitate slightly but slip the other long sleeve off. He drops it to the floor and looks at Steve, who is looking nowhere but his face. And  _god_ , Steve does everything right.

Steve pulls him down into bed on their usual sides and hardly lets him get situated before he's invading Bucky's space. He's curling himself to his side, pushing Bucky's arm up and under his head to use as a pillow. Bucky chuckles softly and pulls Steve closer to him.

"This is what I want," He rubs softly at Bucky's chest, "You wanna hold me a little more? That would be fantastic."

Bucky rubs his shoulder, "I'm right here. I've got you."

"No... Bucky," He slides his hand up along Bucky's collar bone, skips over the scarred skin because he doesn't want to hurt him, and touches over the metal of his bicep, "Like you used to."

"Steve, it's not the same. It's... It's cold." Bucky tries to explain. How Steve even touches him there surprises him. He doesn't think of the arm as a part of him, it's not his. It's a weapon. But Steve is Steve, and he takes him anyway. Accepts him anyway. 

Loves him anyway.

"I love cold." Steve says, moving his hand down to his wrist, starting to pull.

"It might dig into you." Bucky tells him even as he's shifting slightly to his side.

"I've got a shirt on," Steve gives a kiss to his jaw, and sighs when Bucky's wrapping around him, holding him to his chest, "God."

"Is it cold? I'm sorry, I--"

"No. Feels good.  _You_  feel good." Steve reaches down, taking the back of Bucky's knee and pulling it to rest on his hip. He slides his thigh between Bucky's legs and nuzzles at his chest with his nose.

"Jesus, Steve." Bucky runs his fingers over Steve's shoulder blade, Steve's hand running up the back of his thigh, over his ass before wrapping around his lower back.

Steve kisses his chest, "I  _really_  like when you hold me."

"It turns you on when I love on you in bed," Bucky swallows as Steve drags his lips over his nipple, " _Steve_."

"Huh?" Steve pauses, mouth open on Bucky's skin, breath making way for goosebumps.

"God... Steve,  _hell_ \--you know what that does to me." He gives in and lets his eyes shut slowly, head tip back in hope Steve will move up to his neck.

"So, stopping wouldn't be something you want?" Steve glances up at him, and sees Bucky's adams apple bob, neck craned, and Steve really likes his slightly flustered breathing.

"No! No, god. Don't you dare, you jerk," Bucky's hand grips at the back of Steve's shirt.

Steve chuckles and trails kisses up his chest, detouring over his collarbone, until he's pressing ones with a bit of tongue along Bucky's neck, up to the underside of his jaw where he nips. Bucky's panting now, hips arching to find Steve's and Steve moves back down, bites his collarbone.

"Fuck. Ah, just let me... Let me--" Bucky mumbles through breaths, making a low whimpering noise when Steve's thumb circles his nipple, "Goddammit,  _please_."

"I've got you," Steve gives a kiss to his shoulder, down near the scarring and Bucky freezes for a moment or two. Steve stops, holding his hip as he squirms his way up to see Bucky's face, "You know... We should talk. It bothers you, I know that, but your arm--"

"Can't we talk later? I really want skin to skin." Bucky's cheeks are flushed and he's rolling his hips, but Steve sees in his eyes that he understands what Steve wants to talk about.

Steve cups his cheek and kisses him with all he has, and when Bucky gets impatient he moves that hand to push at their pants, get them down to where they can kick them away. Then he's wrapping a hand around both of them and stroking, until they're shuddering against each other with kisses with too much teeth.

\--

Steve wakes up alone. And whenever he does, he always momentarily panics. But he gets himself under control quickly and whips his head around towards the door, "Bucky?"

He gets no response and sits up, hand crumpling something left on the bed. He lifts it up and smooths it out ' _Don't worry, I'm just out shopping. Sleep in a little, you deserve it. I love you, punk_.' Steve chuckles softly with relief flooding in, settling the note on the small table next to the bed.

He debates on whether he should take the advice or not, sleep in a little more. But then he starts thinking that the bed is too big and way too soft without Bucky in it, so he gets up and takes a shower to help him wake up.

After he's dried off he puts himself in the sweater Sam gave him last Christmas, jeans, and the stupid looking fuzzy socks Natasha bought him a while ago. They're warm and they feel good and he doesn't care if he gets teased.

Steve makes himself a big breakfast and pulls up a chair, eats by the window.

He's sopping up the last bit of yolk with his toast when the door opens and shuts, looks back to see Bucky biting into an apple, "Hey, pretty boy. What's up?"

"People watching," Steve sets his feet down from where he'd propped them up on the windowsill, taking a bite of his toast as he comes around into the kitchen, smiling softly at Bucky with six grocery bags and a gallon of milk in his steel hand, "What did you get?"

"Well, we were out of apples, so I got some of those," He hefts everything onto the counter, "And we were low on peanut butter, I know you love that stuff. So, I got three jars of it."

"And the rest?" Steve sets his plate aside and starts taking things out to put away.

"I wanted to make you dinner tonight, too." Bucky smiles brightly at him, like the start of last night's tender conversation is forgotten. Steve knows it isn't. But he's not ready to fight him, pull down the facade.

"Dinner, huh? You can't cook." He says instead of the millions of other things he wants to say.

"Yeah, but I can try," Bucky grins and plants a wet kiss on his cheek, moving around him as he shoves things into cupboards, "You'll like this. Called you my partner to a cashier today. Asked who needed all the peanut butter."

Steve sort of blushes. A lot. "Yeah? Not 'boyfriend' like everyone uses now?"

"Nah, I think we're past boyfriends," Bucky says, "You're Steve, you're my partner."

"Partners that... Talk about their feelings with one-another?" Steve tries, putting away the milk. The soft clacking of cans of food into the cupboard slows, and Steve pauses as well. When it picks up again, he turns to look at him.

"I talk about my feelings. You read my note, right? I feel you're a punk, and I feel that I love you. Feelings spoken." Bucky rearranges a few cans and Steve can see when he starts to get frustrated when they won't fit, metal hand grabbing onto a can and slamming it on the counter, leaving dents in it from his fingers.

"Bucky," He starts, taking a step towards him. Bucky holds up his right hand to stop him, but Steve just holds his hand instead, "It's okay. It--"

"No, I wanted ravioli." Bucky says lowly, grudgingly as he tries to cover up that he got upset. He moves from Steve and pushes the other bags aside, using the can opener. He slams things a bit as he finds a fork and his shoulders slump when he sits himself on the couch and pokes at the canned food with his fork.

Steve sighs and gives him a few moments, putting away the rest of the food. He settles himself leaning against the stove, "I know it's a tender subject."

"Then why do you bring it up?" Bucky asks him, not looking up.

"Because I see you dance around it. I see you hesitate, and hide. I see you ashamed. And it hurts to see." Steve says, and then Bucky looks up at him. And Steve must have how he feels written all over his face, because Bucky looks devastated.

"I-It's not mine," Bucky says, setting the can down and looking at his hands, "I remember what it's done, what I've done. What I've done to you. I've tried to kill you with it multiple times before I remembered you."

"It is yours now," Steve moves to the couch, on Bucky's left side, "I've always accepted you, and I still do. You wouldn't have done those things if you weren't taken from me. It's my fault--"

"Steve, don't."

"No, it's true. I couldn't save you sooner. And I've realized that I can't change it, so I accept it for what it is. And I try my absolute best to be better for you now. That's why when I see you like this, it's like a knife."

"And what? You expect me to like that a weapon was seared into my skin?" Bucky looks at him, jaw set.

Steve shakes his head softly, "I'd really like if you could appreciate the rare times that you hug me with both arms, or hold me in place when you kiss me, or when you dragged me out of that water instead of letting me die. Because honestly, I'm just glad you still have two arms to do all those things, even if one of them isn't your first choice."

Bucky swallows, looking back down at his hands. His eyes are prickling with tears but he takes a few breaths, trying to get himself under control, "I just don't want to hurt you."

"I'm not little anymore, Bucky. And I'm not going anywhere." Steve tells him softly, moving to rub Bucky's back. He wants to wrap around him, keep him safe even from his own thoughts. He knows he can't, though.

"Until the end of the line?" Bucky whispers, metal fingers inching over to touch Steve's knee.

"And beyond that, really." He lays his hand over Bucky's, and pulls him close to kiss his cheek.

\--

Bucky tries to get comfortable. Steve will find him when he comes back after his run, or when returning from separate aisles in the supermarket, he'll completely latch onto Bucky. Arms around his neck, chest pressed up against his. And Bucky will circle both arms around Steve's middle and press him even closer.

He doesn't even mean to do it, but he'll press down on Steve's arms when they're having sex. He'll keep him there while he speeds up his hips and Steve will moan for him, let him do it happily. It almost feels like it used to, except Steve's harder and the bed is softer.

He presses kisses over Steve's neck and whispers about how much he loves him, pants it out as his hips start to lose rhythm. Steve opens his legs wider and struggles against Bucky's hands, and Bucky does let go immediately. But he realizes Steve only wanted to pull him in for a bruising kiss and he's laughing, cupping Steve's cheeks and leaning further over him to kiss back.

Steve kisses him until he comes, swallowing his groans and pulling him in by his ass to let him ride it out. And Bucky stumbles a bit by his strength, bracing his metal arm and locking it in place, moving his other hand down to stroke Steve quickly. Steve's panting and his head presses back, giving a broken noise up at the headboard when he comes all over Bucky's hand, his stomach and up to his chest.

"Jesus, pretty boy," Bucky leans and licks a line up a vein in Steve's neck, smiling when he shudders, "Remember to breathe."

Steve takes a deep breath and sinks back down into the bed, grabbing Bucky's hand around his cock, moving it away, "Sensitive."

"Oops." Bucky grins, gives a kiss to his bottom lip. 

He unlocks his arm and holds Steve's hips when he pulls out, then falls in next to him. Steve tucks his fingers through Bucky's metal ones, kisses the back of his hand. Bucky smiles softly and looks down the length of both of them, laughs when Steve blushes and curls into him.

Steve wiggles his way to resting his head on Bucky's chest, rubbing his thumb over his ribs, "So, you're gonna make me dinner, right?"

Bucky chuckles, "Of course."

Bucky ends up burning everything he put on the stove. Smokes up the kitchen and triggers the smoke detector. The elderly woman next door comes ambling over with a fire extinguisher even though there's no fire, and Bucky chucks everything in the garbage can.

"Hey, pretty boy... How about we go out for dinner? And put on something nice, I'll take you dancing."


End file.
